These are the moments that set you on the path. Those that "convert" you, they change your life in small stages. If you follow enough of them, you reach a point of no return. You can never go back to your old life, your old way of thinking. Then one day, you hit a fork in the Yellow Brick Road.
You must make a choice to move forward. You are too far from Kansas, and Munchkinland has nothing to offer you. What was once a place of color and celebration, is now just a humble hamlet, the shopkeepers have gone back to work, the children are in school, the housewives tend to their chores, the magic has vanished. What had become the new normal, is now the past, and the Emerald city awaits.
Each step in your journey leads you to another place. There are times you will dance up the road, and times that you will cower at the sights and sounds of the dark forest. You will be Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, the Lion, the Wicked Witch, the Good Witch, the lion, the Wizard or Toto. It all depends on who is telling the story, and how much of it you believe.
Belief is powerful. That is why you indoctrinate children at a young age. You tell them what they should believe. You tell them the consequences for doubt.
They grow up, and despite new experiences and evidence to the contrary, they cannot shake these core beliefs. Every new experience must fit into the story they have been told. A new character is created, a magical element added, the story grows more complex and harder to believe.
But you believe the story is who you are. So you believe you are damaged, sick, insane and eventually, you break down. Like all forms of what you believe to be sickness, you think this is a bad thing.
This breakdown is the shattering of the wall around your soul. The burning of the Malleus Maleficarum, that told you you were evil.
Now the story is yours to write. The real protagonist poised to whisper the words into your ear that tell of your greatness and power. The story will have a happy ending at this point, no matter how you write it.
You can always look to the past, remember and realize how far you've come, but you can never return to Kansas. Knowing what you know, we ask, "why would you want to?" ~Silas
Jinnzania's side notes: I've been dealing with insomnia these last few weeks. Never in my life have I had it this bad. My current method of dealing with it, is to try to do something productive. As I will be an exhausted basket case for the following day, at least it gives me some sense of accomplishment.
Last night, I finished reading, "Wicked". It's the story of Oz told from the perspective of Elphaba, a strong-willed woman who believed in justice and equality. She didn't wait for life to happen to her; she created her own destiny. She was educated, she had friends and a lover and cared for her animals as if they were her own children.
She met a tragic end when a little girl from Kansas threw water on her. When the story was told from the little girl's perspective, she was portrayed a bit differently.
I feel like I've been through a series of breakdowns. Tonight, I realized that it wasn't me breaking down, but the story of my life as I knew it. It occurred to me how powerful that story was, and how it had held me in a place of disharmony. I had portrayed myself as a victim, weak and powerless, as I believed women were supposed to be. Even when the intellectual belief went away, the story stayed inside of me. It affected my life and my decisions. I allowed myself to be abused and taken advantage of by people who pretended to care about me.
Last night, the story that other people had been telling me broke apart. All that remained, was the real me. Today, I write my own damn book!
